Threads and Dirt

Brothers and sisters,

I know that the Lord allows for us to have a fresh start the moment we ask for it, but there is something about a new year that always takes a weight off of my chest.  It's like getting a new journal; there is an infinite amount of potential for what could be written.  Some years I write a lot, and some years I just end up spilling coffee on the journal and throwing it away.  I like the idea that the new year offers to our culture because of the way I tend to see my life.  I hear people talk about going through "seasons of life" all the time, but I haven't really ever met anyone who weirdly obsesses over analyzing every chapter of life like me.  My favorite thing about reflecting on a season that has passed is finding the unifying thread, or theme, that played through the whole thing.  There always is a thread, and it always applies to almost everything that I happened to experience in that season of life.  I like to believe this is intentional on God's part, because I believe he is the most brilliant orchestrator of life and wants us to pay close attention to the ways he is moving.  So I guess I see the "seasons" of my life more as orchestral, tapestry movements?  Anyway... I'll just keep saying season to weird everyone out less.  SO... sometimes the common thread ties off right when I would expect it to, like at the end of a school year; sometimes it ties off at a tragic event, like the death of a loved one; sometimes it ties off at a completely unexpected end, and sometimes that end falls on a completely cliche date when everyone else in America is feeling the same sense of finality and closure in their lives.  And that is exactly what I feel has happened with me and Nic this past year.

2013 marks the hardest year of my life thus far, mostly because it was a year of God's silence.  Now, for those of you who know me and Nic and everything we have been through this year, it would seem that this would be THE WORST POSSIBLE YEAR FOR GOD TO DECIDE TO STOP EXPLICITLY TELLING US WHAT TO DO.  And it felt like that 99% of the time.  Over the course of 2013 we experienced the following (not necessarily in chronological order):  starting to plan a wedding, finishing a year of seminary work (Nic), making a really hard decision to leave a church because of a lot of complicated things, graduating from undergrad (me), deciding what to do for an internship (me), finding out I had manic depression (twice) due to a horrible reaction to birth control (me, obviously) on top of being sick for the greater portion of my last semester of college, trying to figure out where we should go after we got married, spending a summer jobless (Nic), getting married, moving to a new part of the country a week after getting married, jumping into a ministry that is still a baby with two friends, trying to find jobs in the worst job market ever, hosting two art shows without really knowing what I was doing, learning how to be married, raising support to come live where we are, raising a kitten, trying to make new friends, and all the while, holding our spiritual/emotional/mental health together.  NEEDLES TO SAY, it was a taxing year for both of us.  For most of it, I felt drained and helpless, like I was barely hanging on to my faith, my relationship with Nic, and my stability.  However, I believe that this past year was the best thing that could have ever happened to me and Nicholas.

The Lord gave me this vision one time when I was praying, and he told me how he sees me (he told me this last winter, before the whirlwind of 2013 came pounding on my door).  He brought me to the backyard of my childhood home in Kentucky.  I was maybe 3 years old, and I was wearing a pink, poofy dress, running and playing in the backyard.  Jesus was sitting in a lawn chair, reading a book and smoking a pipe, watching after me - the perfect father figure.  He let me romp around the yard, doing as I pleased, and I knew that I was safe in this yard.  I also knew that if I tried to run around the side of the house out of his sight, he'd immediately chase after me, yet there was no fence stopping me from doing so.  For the most part, I stayed out of trouble playing.  I would slide down the slide, play on the swings, kick my soccer ball, but then I would get myself into trouble.  In this vision, I specifically got myself into trouble by eating dirt.  I picked up my plastic, green gardening shovel and started going crazy on the lawn with it.  I would arbitrarily make huge holes, shove my hands in the dirt and mash piles of wormy, wet soil into my mouth and all over my face.  All the while, my father would read his book, but I knew he could see me.  Right before I made myself really sick with all the dirt I was eating, he quietly got up, and I was ashamed.  I looked up at him with big, sorrowful eyes... dirt all over my face and my pretty dress.  He stooped down, took the shovel out of my hands, and showed me how to garden.

That analogy pretty much sums up our past year.  The Lord stayed quiet in our lives to see what we would do, and I think we did alright.  He never left us - he was always right within our reach.  When we would mess up, he would stoop down to us and intervene, but as for the rest of the time, he acted as a quiet observer, just waiting for us to act.

A few weeks ago, I had a breakdown because I felt worthless.  I was mad at God because he remained quiet in my life and I wanted him to just tell me what to do already.  After having a huge meltdown on Nicholas one Saturday morning, I resolved to get off my butt and do something.  The week following that was probably the most productive week of my year, and I saw the Lord come behind me and support me in all my efforts.  I knew he would make things grow in my life, he was just waiting for me to pick up my shovel and start digging holes.  He has shown me how to garden a thousand times... now he wants me to take the initiative.

The theme of 2013 was silence, but not silence that leaves an absence, but that propels forward.  Now, looking toward 2014, I know that the Lord is looking for me and Nic to start stepping out and doing things in faith.  If we are doing the wrong thing then we know the Lord will stoop down and take the shovel out of our hands, but in the mean time, we are going to plant like crazy.  We refuse to remain idle this year, though, and we feel refreshed by a new year and a new wind of the Spirit in our lives.

So here are some things you can look forward to hearing about this year from us:

1.  I am going to petition the local government to turn an empty lot into a community garden here in Bellevue.
2.  Nic is going to continue writing worship music for the church and we are going to try to get him better equipment to record on so he can better share that music with others.
3.  We will continue working at our jobs, and I actually picked up a morning care position at the YMCA as well!
4.  I will be hosting art shows in Pittsburgh, and I am particularly excited about the one I am trying to get going in Bellevue for the Spring!
5.  We are hosting a Bible study called "Word & Prayer" at our house starting next week.
6.  We are continuing to minister to the people the Lord has entrusted us at the Vue and praying that he gives us wisdom and guidance as we move forward into this year.
7.  I am going to start writing more of my dreams/visions/metaphors down and publishing them.  Nic convicted me that they can really help people understand themselves and their spirituality and relationship to God... so even though they make me feel like I am crazy, I am going to try sharing them for the church's sake.  You can be looking for my analogy of the caverns coming soon.


Thank you all for your prayers and support.  We pray that in 2014 you would allow the Lord to govern your hearts to do things you'd never imagine you could do for the kingdom and his glory.




N&K